Considering the Emotional Impact
The potential consideration
Welcoming refugees into your home is an amazing way of offering support to families in the face of this tragedy, there is no doubt that doing so could not only make a massive difference to the guest but also enrich the lives of the host. However, as psychologists with specialist knowledge of trauma, we are also aware that hosting someone who has left their home under such conditions can be difficult. This article aims to support hosts to reflect on the potential emotional responses that you and your guest may experience, so that these can be predicted and managed as smoothly as possible. While there is lots of practical guidance out there for hosts, it is easy to feel unsure or unprepared for the possible spectrum of emotions (for the host and the guest) that may arise through this experience. We hope this article helps to fill that gap. Our aim is to help you to understand the potential emotional responses a little better, so you feel prepared and positive about the road ahead. Always remember that there is no expectation for any host to be able to provide psychological support for mental health difficulties; this should always be provided by a qualified professional. If you are ever worried about the wellbeing of your guest, you can contact the Refugee Council or seek advice from 111 (we will also be publishing an article on crisis situations later in this series).
The psychology facts
Any individual who has been through the trauma of displacement is likely to experience impacts on their mental health as a result. Some guests may be fine and adjust to life in the UK very well, whilst others may have experienced significant trauma in their country of origin and/or during their journey to the UK. Not everyone will be affected in the same way, so there could be a whole spectrum of emotions and responses that you might see in your guest. Of course, there may be positive emotions such as relief and gratitude, but there are likely to be many difficult emotions in addition. Your guest may be experiencing these when they first arrive, or these responses may appear later, once they have settled in. This is not an exhaustive list, but here are some common responses we might expect:
Anger. It would be natural and understandable for your guest to experience anger at the injustice of what they have experienced. Anger is also a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Anyone experiencing PTSD may be jumpy and irritable, due to their heightened fight-or-flight response (the physiological threat response). While unlikely to be deliberate, it is possible that this anger may be displaced onto those close by or trying to help. The ‘anger iceberg’ graphic below illustrates the idea that anger is often a secondary emotion, protecting other more vulnerable emotions. When we are confronted with anger it is helpful to pause and consider what might really be going on ‘under the iceberg’. For example, a guest might feel anger or resentment at seeing a happy family in their country of origin, as a response to the grief they feel for their losses.
Anxiety. Trauma results in a continuous sense of current threat, which can show up in many ways including common anxiety disorders (e.g. OCD, health anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks, etc). Someone’s anxiety may be triggered by specific situations or stimuli that relate to traumas they have been through; we will be publishing an article soon on specific PTSD triggers and how to manage these. Naturally, someone who has been displaced is also likely to be anxious about many things such as the future, their loved ones, and events in their country of origin.
Dissociation. Another common trauma response is dissociation – this is when we become cut off (physically, emotionally or even consciously) from an overwhelming experience. This can look like someone zoning out or appearing to show no emotional response at all.
Low mood. After going through such a difficult experience, it would be natural for an individual to feel low in mood. This may cause them to withdraw and isolate themselves, which could make it feel harder to offer support. It is important to remember that their hardship isn’t ‘over’ now that they are in the UK – they are still dealing with the difficulties of adjustment, processing the loss of their previous life (routine, identity, career, etc.), and sitting with a lot of uncertainty. We will be posting a separate article about compound loss and uncertainty, to explore this further.
Physical manifestations of trauma/stress. All emotions manifest in our bodies, for example the fight-or-flight emotions (anger and anxiety) cause physical sensations such as racing heart, sweating, tense muscles, feeling dizzy or sick, etc. Over time, trauma or chronic stress can lead to a variety of physical health issues. Your guest might be struggling to sleep (especially if they’re having nightmares, which is a symptom of PTSD), they may lose their appetite, they may feel extremely fatigued, they might feel aches and pains, rashes, migraines, or other physical illnesses. In many cultures (including our own!) there is shame and stigma around discussing emotions, as it can be seen as vulnerability or weakness – if your guest is feeling like this, they may be more likely to show or discuss physical symptoms.
Source: https://cerebral.com/care-resources/anger-iceberg
Tips for managing this as a host
For a moment, put everything in the above section aside, and take a minute to consider the emotions you might feel as a host. Take a moment to think about the last time you had a house guest. Even when we’re thrilled to have someone in our home, it can feel intrusive to have another person in our space (think about when a dinner party guest tries to be helpful by washing up, but they do it “wrong”!). In this case, it will be a stranger and the length of their stay is likely to be uncertain. You will almost certainly have moments when you feel frustrated, tired, miss your own space, etc. In addition, if your guest is struggling with their mental health in response to the experience they’ve just been through, you may experience some intense emotions yourself in response to their emotions and behaviour. For example, if someone is withdrawn or angry (see the above section) and you feel that they should be more engaged and grateful, you might then feel resentment. Remember – you’re human too! So, while it is very important to support your guest, you have to look after yourself too – managing your own stress effectively will enable you to be the supportive host you wish to be! Here are our top tips for looking after yourself and regulating your own emotions:
Tune into your emotions. Awareness is the first step to staying on top of emotion regulation and stress management. Mindfulness practices are great for this! If in doubt take a second to scan through your body to notice how it feels and work your way back to what emotion that might be. For example, if you notice that your shoulders are tight or your jaw is clenched, maybe there is some stress or anger there. Our bodies can give us helpful clues if we stop and check in with them, even if we didn’t notice the emotion creeping up.
Don’t take it personally. Humans have a tendency to personalise things, so although it’s very hard to do in practice, it is helpful to take a step back from your immediate emotional reaction and think about what is really going on for your guest (consider the anger iceberg above). In the above example where the host starts to feel resentful, the guest probably isn’t being deliberately ungrateful or antagonistic, they’re potentially just struggling with trauma symptoms. In this example, everyone’s emotions are valid, but being able to reflect on them is the key to handling situations effectively.
Communicate clearly. Even without a language barrier, when we’re stressed, things can get lost in translation. Set expectations clearly, be prepared to reiterate these patiently, and express your own needs in a way that doesn’t arouse defensiveness. A good formula is: “I think… I feel… I’d like...”. By expressing your own thoughts and emotions, this takes away the direct blame and highlights your subjective experience of the situation. You can then give some specific suggestions of what you’d like to happen differently.
Basic self-care. We all know we should eat well, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, etc. But are you actually doing those things? Your routine will likely be thrown off by having someone new in the house, so don’t forget to focus on the basics!
Boundaries. Keeping healthy emotional boundaries will be crucial for managing the considerations discussed in this article. Boundaries is a big topic, so we’re going to do a separate article on that – watch this space!
For a more in depth look at emotion regulation skills such as labelling emotions, breathing and practicing self-compassion, see my previous LinkedIn article on this topic: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/four-dogs-metaphor-emotion-regulation-dr-natalie-isaia/
Tips for supporting your guest
First of all, look after yourself. The tips in the previous section cannot be overlooked if you want to offer support to someone else. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You also need to be realistic about what you’re able to do: you can’t “fix” the situation, you can’t control other people’s emotions, you have not signed up to be a therapist. Here are some practical tips you can do:
For many of us, when someone is talking about their problems, we feel an urge to jump into problem-solving mode. Sometimes this is appropriate - when the issue is practical, solvable and they have requested practical help. However, most of the time the person just wants someone to listen. ‘Just’ listening can feel like ‘doing nothing’, but bearing witness to someone’s experience, really hearing them and validating them, is incredibly powerful. We have an upcoming article on empathy and active listening that will discuss this further.
Equally, don’t pressure your guest to talk about their feelings or their experiences. ‘Getting it all out’ is not always helpful and can be retraumatizing for the individual. As mentioned above, there is still a lot of shame and stigma associated with experiencing and discussing mental health problems or emotional distress, so respect your guest’s wishes if they don’t want to open up.
Be ready to step into their shoes and forgive. If someone responds in a way that you or they find difficult, take a pause, think about all that is going on for them, remember that they are doing their best in a very difficult situation. Let them know that you understand things are difficult, emotions are human and you are not judging their responses.
Be aware that listening to others’ distress is ‘emotional labour’, so again, boundaries are very important here. Humans transfer feelings onto each other, so you may be left feeling like you are ‘holding’ their anger, grief, anxiety, etc. Being aware of what is ‘yours’ and what is ‘theirs’ will help you to separate out and manage these emotions. Over time, hearing about distressing experiences can put you at risk of vicarious trauma and moral injury; we will be posting another article on this topic to discuss it in more depth.
If you think that your guest needs specialist psychological support, you might be able to signpost them to somewhere appropriate. We’ll publish a list of specialist support services later in this series.
There are also lots of basic psychological self-help resources online. Here are a couple of good options:
https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/
https://web.ntw.nhs.uk/selfhelp/
https://cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/
In conclusion, this article is far from exhaustive and is only intended to give an introduction to some of these considerations. Every guest will be different, and many may have a wonderful experience of coming to the UK. While the considerations in this article won’t affect everyone, we think it is helpful to be aware of some of the potential emotional impacts, so you’ll be able to catch them and manage them quickly and as effectively as possible.
Dr Natalie Isiah