Why it’s okay to have been effected by lockdown … and still be feeling it

“I know other people have it so much worse” … The caveat attached to every emotion expressed during the pandemic… even in the therapy room. Why is it that we feel the need to compare our experience and emotions to others? Why should there be a hierarchy on who gets to be upset?

Having had our lives restricted and put on pause it really is totally normal to feel angry, bored, demotivated, frustrated, anxious … whatever really! Other people suffering more doesn’t mean we suffer less, doesn’t mean we aren’t entitled to help. If I got shot once in the leg and the person next to me got shot twice it doesn’t mean I’m pain free or should skip the first aid! So what is it about our shared experience of the pandemic that makes us feel like it’s not ok to be not ok?

Often people share that they struggle with the fact that there isn’t an obvious visible threat. Instead of fighting a clear threat with guns and bombs we are fighting an invisible one with antibac and masks, instead of having to go out and do we have to stay in and wait. So many times as therapists we are told “I don’t know what my problem is, all I have to do it sit on the sofa and watch TV it’s hardly a big ask”. And yet the mental health of the nation has plummeted. So let’s just unpack the reality of this.

In order to understand why this has effected so many it’s important to think about the concept of trauma. We are probably all aware of the idea of trauma, your mind might go to classic examples of direct trauma- a road traffic accident, sexual assault, violence, perhaps the teams in the hospitals trying to save lives. These are all undoubtedly huge traumatic events and understandably often lead to a trauma response. But what I want to introduce to you is the idea of vicarious trauma. This is where someone witnesses traumatic events whilst unable to escape them or change the course of events. It is possible to be effected even if we aren’t directly involved.

So yes maybe many of us have been at home throughout this, stepping outside only for essential reasons or to clap the people on the frontline. But we sit at home with access to an endless stream of updates and news, footage of hospitals, morgues, grieving families. We are bombarded with reminders that there is threat out there, a threat we can’t see. We are powerless to help, to prevent the ones we care about coming into contact, becoming one of those statistics. It is scary. It is threatening. It poses a risk to us and the ones we love. We feel powerless. It feels inescapable. In short it fulfils the criteria to be labelled as trauma.

In addition, we don’t have access to many of the things that make us feel good. Our friends, our family, our hobbies, our ability to do what we want when we want. So our coping skills are stripped from us at the exact moment we needed them.

So can we all just take a second and realise that it is totally ok to have been effected by this and to continue to feel effected by it. It’s a totally normal human response!

Okay so what are we going to do about that now?

Stop fighting with your emotions. Chances are, if you are feeling an emotion you have a good reason to be feeling it. No matter how much you fight it or pretend it’s not there it’s going to remain and for good reason. Instead just take a moment to notice it’s there and that’s ok. Thank the emotion for telling you some vital info which is “something has happened, something might need to change”. It can help to think if a friend came to you and told you they felt this way what would you say to them? What would you advise they do? It’s a good place to start!

Notice what is within your power to control and what is not. Humans love to feel we are in control but the truth is there are some things that just fall out of our remit (a global pandemic being a classic example!). Instead of focusing on all the things you can’t control bring your attention to the things that you can control. We can attend to our own virus precautions, make our working from home space as good as it can be, find new ways of connecting with people we aren’t able to see face to face - we might need to get creative but if we something feels big and uncontrollable ask yourself this question “what is in my power to control?” Find something small and do it!

Don’t let your brain be a bully. This is linked to the point above … our brains drop in all kinds of random thoughts throughout the day. Most of these we ignore because they don’t matter to us (e.g. noticing the colour of that chair… it’s not relevant to our life so it leaves as fast as it enters). However if the thought is linked to threat or a pre-existing belief we attend to it and it can feel like a fact. Naturally we listen to times that our brain tells us about the threat of the pandemic, the elements we can’t control, tells us our responses are wrong or we could be doing better. We listen to those thoughts because they matter to us but that doesn’t mean it’s true! Think to yourself “is this thought helping me?” if the answer is no then thank your brain for it’s “helpful” suggestion and bring your focus back to what you were doing before that thought arrived.

Start reclaiming your life. The impact of lockdown for many has meant that our comfort zone has shrunk. Things that we used to do all the time might now feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable purely because we are out of practice doing them. This means that our life might feel like it has shrunk or is less enjoyable. Pushing your comfort zone out can take time, repetition and a little bravery. Pick something you are keen to start doing again, break it down into small steps and do it with others if that helps. By slowly claiming your old life back you will not only find more enjoyment but also slowly reduce any anxieties you might be experiencing about re-entering the post-lockdown world. Start small, work out and take note of your achievement.

Last but not least if you need help ask for it! Whether that is from friends family or a professional, it’s ok to struggle and it’s ok to get the support you need.

Written by Nicola