It’s not you. It’s me

Why it’s ok to hunt around and find the clinician that is right for you

I hear it a lot and it makes me so sad “Therapy just doesn’t work for me”, “I don’t seem to fit it”,  “I kept going but it made no difference”, “I don’t think they really knew me or what I needed but I didn’t feel I could say anything”, “it’s me for some reason I just don’t get better”. 

As a Clinical Psychologist, human and nerd I am here to tell you…. It’s not you!  

The truth is that every individual is ... well… individual. All of our bodies are different, all of our brains are different. That’s what makes us interesting! It also means that what works for one of us won’t necessarily work for another. Think about any skill set and you will be able to notice that there are certain things you nail, certain things you struggle with and certain things that are a big old no! You see this at school, in the gym, in the kitchen, in the music rooms… people excel at different things. We also like different things. The music I love might be an auditory nightmare for you, my favourite food might make you gag, my idea of relaxation could be your stress dream! You get the idea!

So the big thing here is why would we assume that when it comes to mental health and wellbeing we should all benefit from the same thing? We just don’t! The real skill of being a clinician is being able to work with your client to figure out what works for them specifically. The approach needs to fit the person not the other way around.

Is it the right approach?

I see therapy as a bit of a science experiment, we create a theory and we test it out constantly updating our theory and approach according to our findings. Essentially we create an understanding of the current patterns together and my job is to suggest a range of evidence based approaches for them to try and report back on. Over time we aim to create a toolkit of skills that a person can use according to the situation they find themselves in. The best skill is one that both works for them and they will use. If a client is not finding the skills we are trying helpful then it is my job to find other options for them to try. If I don’t have the right set of skills for them it’s my job to own this and help them find someone who does. It is not the clients responsibility to make it work against all odds, all we ask is that you give each skill a good shot and engage in the experiment.

Is it the right person?

Then there is the human factor. Sometimes we are just not the right human for the client in front of us and there are a million reasons this could be. Therapy is a really personal thing and finding the person that you feel able to talk to matters. Some people feel that they would be most comfortable with someone of a specific gender, orientation, cultural or religious background. It might be having someone who gets your cultural references or understands your traditions. You might want to speak to someone in  your native language or you who aren’t afraid to swear in front of. It might be that you want to speak to someone who comes from a completely different background and contrasts your experiences.  It might even be something that you can’t put your finger on, the vibes are wrong, you just don’t click, it just doesn’t work. That is ok.

If you take one thing away from reading this, please take that you area absolutely entitled to find the person that is right for you. If this isn’t your match than ask to switch clinicians. As clinicians we know that this is important, we won’t take offence if we just aren’t the right person for you. Asking for help takes a lot of courage, what really matters is that this courage is rewarded with the opportunity to get the right type of support for you.

One finally analogy for the road. Imagine you go to a shop to buy a big warm blue coat. They do not have any. Instead they offer you a lightweight yellow jacket that is 2 sizes too small. Would you buy it? I really hope not! I hope that you wouldn’t think “oh well since I’m here I guess I should get this one” or “well the the person in the shop has gone and got this coat for me now and I don’t want to be rude”. I’m really hoping you just thank the person for their time, say that it doesn’t meet you needs and then you look elsewhere until you find a more suitable coat. So why are we acting this way about something as personal and important as therapy?! You don’t have to see me just because you land in front of me for your first session. please just say thanks but no thanks and hopefully I’ll be able to direct you a place that can find you the right fit.

 Written by Nicola

If you want to discuss how to find the right therapy match for you then drop us an email at info@corecollective.uk or book in a Define and Discover session Here to have a dedicated space with a specialist to explore your individual needs and goals.