Why do I care what people think? Why do I feel the need to please people? Understanding why social connection matters

One thing we hear in the therapy room a lot is “I don’t know why I care so much! Why should it matter what other people think? I’m such a people pleaser!”. Sometimes people think if only they could care less then they would succeed more, doubt themselves less and feel less anxiety. But clearly it’s not that easy to just turn off a switch and stop caring otherwise we as humans would have figured that one out already!

So why is it that social acceptance matters so much?

Well as always context is key! For our context in this instance we need to look at some fundamental human needs and attributes and consider how these impact upon our brain.

Often if a behaviour or thinking style is difficult to change it is because it holds some meaning or importance to us. The more we think it matters the more it sticks. If we think it’s key to our survival its not going to budge easily at all. When we dig down on social connection it quickly links to survival and this is why it matters so much.

Think back to any nature documentary or prehistoric history program and take a second to think about the environment in which humans evolved. The natural world is brutal and let’s be honest we are not exactly the greatest predators! We aren’t particularly fast or strong, have no venom, our teeth and claws are rubbish and we don’t even have camouflage … left alone in the savanna we are not lasting long! What we do have however, is our our ability to think strategically and our social pack. Our survival would have fundamentally relied upon being part of a team working together to get food, create shelter, look out for danger and raise families. If we were to upset our group we run the risk of being cast out and then our prospects are not looking good.

So fitting in is not a nicety it’s imperative! Our brains very much see it this way too because they have been hardwired to survive. Being in the in group means survival so anything that threatens to put us in the out group is a threat. Our brains are pretty black and white when it comes to threat, it scans for it and tries to eliminate it! This is why we feel such strong urges to please people, why we replay disagreements over and over in our mind, why we worry what people will think of us – our brain wants to keep us safe and to be safe we need to be accepted.

Now if this all sounds a bit routed in evolutionary theory for you let’s just fast forward and think about the modern workplace. Consider what work would look like if you didn’t have good relationships with your team, how would that make you feel and how would that impact upon working life? It’s easy to see that fitting into our team and getting on with our colleagues gives us a competitive edge, makes our day easier, means people have our backs if we need help. People who feel disconnected both in their work and home lives report greater daily distress, lower levels of wellbeing and lower levels of satisfaction. Loneliness has even been found to have significant detrimental physical effects. So this stuff still matters.

Your take away message here is that it is normal to worry about what other people think and there are good reasons as to why those thought processes are there. However, there are times when our brains can become over focussed on threat and worry can feel all consuming. When this happens don’t beat yourself by thinking that you “should” be able to just stop. Changing our response to threat takes time, support and strategies. It’s ok to reach out and get help, you might be amazed how many other people have had similar experiences.  

Written by Nicola